** Thoughts Again 30 Dec

I am just a mere servant being seen different from what and who I am
This had opened my eyes to the challenge of proving myself once again
However, I am taken aback of the fact that I do not want to stay
There is a side of me that says why should you prove ones and for all

When you have shown the best in you and it’s up to them to embrace it or not
I wonder if dreaming of you not on the top is hypocrisy to them
But I really do not want it to be that way, take it or leave it
Especially in a place where I feel like I don’t want to

This had keep me thinking in months or maybe even years
I am writing at the top of my mind, probably thinking out loud
I am willing to take responsibilities with no hesitation, in fact my responsibilities now should not be mine at all
But there are just times where you can’t force yourself into it

Feelings, emotions, peoples, places, situations are mere factors but greatly influenced your decisions
With this I am in thoughts of wanting to move on, forward or prove something
I call this confusion, perhaps on-going thoughts, which I will weigh and think more and more.
I want someone to interfere myself so as to create obstructions and well direction for that matter.

Humans as we are, we are capable of achieving something bigger than we thought we can
It’s no mere luck, but rather a guided decision from above as well as perseverance and determination on your part
I feel like am lacking of the latter now, I want to, but I don’t feel to.
Confusing isn’t it, but maybe I just want an interference so as to change my direction and focus

Until when these thoughts will end, no idea…
But for now, I’ll try to seek for my focus and my direction.


** Thoughts…

And I so thought that you were meant for me
But let’s just wait and see if we are meant to be

They say you are not handsome and good
Yet I don’t care coz looks just don’t matter

For as long as your intentions are real and pure
At first, things were getting well and sure

Like a straight road that I can see it clear
But as time goes by, everything seems gray and unclear

Days became weeks, is it that hard to bear?
The reality breaks me to tear

Sometimes i wonder what else do I fear
Do i fear of being left to wonder

Or do i fear of getting closer
I gave myself space and so I realize

That to give love to someone, you must love yourself more
You must learn to respect yourself more

And believe in yourself more
In this manner, people will respect and love you the way it should be

** Determination – P10

“Finish your studies so that you will find a good job.”

There was once a little girl who took this quote by heart from her mother.  When she was in her primary school years, she was the shortest in her class and so petite.  She carries her big bag to school and she’s always the first in queue due to her height.   Every lunchtime, she eats with her siblings while her classmates were being taken cared of by parents who brought lunch for their children and fixed their children’s messed up bun.  This was a good sight for her to see but she totally understands this because her parents were working hard for her and her 5 siblings.  When she was in her secondary school years, she looked for scholarship programs that would help finance her studies, because she always believe that being the 5th child in the family is not a priority.  Thankfully she was able to find a scholarship that gives not much but at least could help her in any way. 

On her way to university, she was so worried if she could continue her schooling because 3 of her siblings were also in college.  With the help of her teacher and classmates in submitting some documents, she once again took up any scholarship there is thinking more of luck rather than brains.   She went from one university to the other, one scholarship to another.  Submit there and here, took examinations here and there.  She failed so much scholarship that she almost thought of giving up.  One day while in school, her teacher approached her and told her “Hey you passed the scholarship”.  She jumped for joy along with other classmates who passed the same scholarship. 

The scholarship greatly helped pay her tuition fee as well as provide her school allowance and school expenses.  Years of hard work and she finally graduated with a happy and contented heart. 

Ladies and gentleman the little girl in the story is right in front of you.  Everything is achievable and possible if only we are determine on it and put our heart to it.

Life is not a bed of roses.  Having said that, if we experienced hindrances, we should not just STOP from where we are, coz it does not take a very smart brain to spell out determination.   Let me give you my own formula of determination:

D-rive. We all have drive in every situation, look for it and find the reason and purpose for every action.  My drive was I want to finish my studies.

E-xamine.  Examine every good options you have, be it possible or impossible, luck or fortune.  Because of my drive, I am hopeful and driven to take any opportunities there is so that I can achieve my goal, thus I took up any scholarship even if I know that I will fail.

T-rust.  Trust your instinct and always follow your guts.  If every option fails, then just follow your guts or where your heart will lead you.  Because of what I believe that I will not be able to finish my schooling, I follow my guts to find my own ways and means.

E-xperience.  Always be thankful of the experience you have because these are lessons that you will bring wherever you are.  Know that your experience is indeed your greatest teacher.  Whether you succeed or not, we’ll at least you try.

R-ejoice.  Rejoice and be thankful of the opportunities that comes your way be it difficult or not.  I was happy that I experienced difficult times because without those, I cannot appreciate the happy memories or experiences I have.

M-otivate.  Try to motivate yourself by always thinking of what your drive and goal is.

I-nspire.  Inspire and push yourself to be a better version of yourself.

N-urture.  Nurture the seed of hope in your life and try to nourish it with the inspiration you’ve planted.   And in all these.

E-xpect less.  Even if you done so much expect less, because with less comes great achievement and gratitude.

Before I end my speech, let me share with you this very common quote and if you are stuck somewhere, remember that:

“Determination is the key to success.”

** harsh reality

randomly thinking
where do i think i’m going
lost but still yearning
the times i felt like i know what i’m doing

now everywhere seems nowhere
just blankly giving a stare
fully clothed yet i’m bare
fully awake yet i’m still not aware

where shall all this will lead me
partly i really want to disagree
i question with great intensity
shall i go back to my sanity

some wanted something
with great pride they are telling
with great entitlement they are feeling
yet are we doing the best of everything

given every chances
stepping every circumstances
yet we are guarded with so many fences
and only showing part of our brances

is this how it should be
we chose what we see
and always thought of me and me
yes this is just part of a harsh reality

as time goes by
as rivers go dry
as children can no longer cry
in a place where we are just passers by

we long for everything
we seek for something
we demand for anything
yet we have done nothing

to Him who gives us everything
we always disregard His meaning
reasons build and we seem to always be contending
just to win the material things we’ve been longing

** experiences

Experiences could sharpen or could traumatize you.  Life may seem unfair to you or to others but you’ll never realize how lucky you are unless you’ve heard another person’s story.

It was one afternoon when my friends and I have a deeper conversation about life.  Because of what they’ve currently experienced they’ve thought of what if one of them will go to afterlife first before the other.  What would one do, the guy said he’d just probably be serving the church for the rest of his life and let his children serve the church as well.  The guy said that the lady would probably marry again if he died first.  They were in this conversation and trying to explain each part when I decided to butt in to their conversation.  I told them, your problem is so small compared to mine, my question is would I even marry, hehe, we we’re all laughing.  They then question there must be something in me why I did not get the chance to marry which I also asked why.  I told them that two of my sisters marry at a not so young age, which is probably the result of my father’s strictness. One of my sisters has two children out of wedlock and from that time on my father has been very strict to us.  My friend explained and said that it could have traumatized me thus creating a fear within me unconsciously.  True or not, he has a point, maybe yes or maybe yes.

Unconsciously there are things that have become so natural to us but are not normal to others.  These experiences have been considered lessons and thus we create our own shield to prevent ourselves from being hurt or from experiencing the same things as others have experienced.  We need someone to inform and tell us to help us wake up to our so called norms.  It is good to listen to someone who can tell us things even if it thus prick or hurt us a little.  That was indeed an insightful afternoon we have.

** Outlets…

If you’re far from your family there are always times you think of going back because the feeling of homesickness is kicking in your senses over again.  I have felt that, not just once, twice but countless times.  I know it’s not only me but hundrends or even thousands of OFWs who are away from their families, friends, loved ones and enemies (chos, hehe). The feeling of Christmas songs playing on malls but the spirit of Christmas is not just there.  You want to do a teleport just to experience the fun of Christmas back home but you’re also worried to see your neighbors, relatives, long distance relatives, your inaanaks, pamangkins and even your not so close friends who are asking gifts or pasalubong from you not just because it’s Christmas but because you’re a balikbayan and you smell like bucks.  Kidding aside but this has been a reality to some if not most but maybe not me, thank God.  Christmas and New Year is never the same in pinas, it’s always fun, enjoyable and enjoyable.  I missed it this year but I do hope that I could spend it in Pinas the next years to come.

Going back to my topic, as an OFW, you tend to look for lots of outlets just to cure homesickness.  Sometimes you join clubs, events you don’t even like hoping that you would love it someday.  You get to grab all outing opportunities as long as it’s On the Budget and if time permits.  Oh yeah, all these in the name of curing homesickness, oh well good if you have your close friends and family with you coz they would be your outlet.

As for me, I’ve never been happier after finding my nightly outlet and dose of my favorite series.  I do watch a replay of it every night and never had skipped, or maybe yes, since July and imagine until now..  It’s not a drama series by the way, it’s a local pinoy series and yeah they have been in the mainstream for 6 months as of this writing.  Call me addicted but who cares it’s my dose of happiness and laughter every night.  It does cure boredom as well as pissed off times.  I’ve noticed myself to be different from before, not moody, always forgiving and understanding.  If this was the result of watching this kalog serye, who wouldn’t want to continue right, especially if you are far away from home.  I’m not gonna mention the serye or the team up but, yeah, well, I admit I am a fan. Do find your happiness as well, coz it’s a really good feeling. LOL, this is me when i watch it. 😀

**Looking Back

It was not so long ago when i thought I couldn’t escape life’s adversity.  My father died from stroke in 2012 after spending Christmas and New Years in the hospital.  It was during those times that I needed to decide things that hurt me most.  I went back home in Cebu thinking I could help and leaving my work and this country.  I realized that instead of the help I could extend, i felt that I’m more of a burden coz I am not giving enough money to sustain the hospitalization bills and medicines.  I decided to go back and look for a job even if my heart and my mind was filled with worries.  My father past away without me on the burial coz my job application was pending for pass release. I thought of going back but I know that no one could pay our debts except me.  I felt the guilt inside me but no one in my family blamed me.  I spent sleepless nights filled with worries but none of those nights have my father showed me in my dreams.  I later realized that my father loved me so much that he don’t want me to worry thus I forgive myself.  Debts has been paid and  a feeling of happiness enveloped me after maybe a year of feeling guilty and unworthy.

After a year or so, I decided to build a house not for myself but for the my mother.  It took me more than 2 years to finish because of some unexpected situations, e.g. can’t find a good carpenter and even the budget. I thought I couldn’t finish it coz I was alone and I still have to support my nieces school fees plus other emergency situations like my brother’s fee abroad or my sister’s operation.  Looking back, it was indeed a relief that I never stopped nor give up.  The house was finished although there are some yet to purchase and buy stuffs.  Just this year I decided to buy a second hand car for my family in between my niece’s tuition fees.  It was kind of heavy yet I’m thankful to have paid it.

I know that I couldn’t surpass and carry all those things if God had not laid His mighty hands on me.  Looking back I could have done or decided differently if I’m alone in those fights, but i guess He watched me closely 24/7.  I realized that I haven’t done much for myself these past few years but it’s never too late to give myself a break.  I still am hopeful for God’s blessing in any form and kind.  I could still feel the pain when I write this blog but reading my previous write ups, it helps me release those painful memories.  The more I release it, the less painful it is, this indeed is true.  I feel that whatever I will experience through, it’s just so easy now that I’ve been through some painful journeys.

There’s no secret to it, you just have to accept, chew a bit and release everything but most of all, everything will be lighter if you trust and believe Him.  When you are in an adversity, we always question, sometimes give up and oftentimes run away.  But again if you look back, you’d realized that situations are perfect experience to sharpen you and remind you that He is always there.

My life is not perfect, no one is.  But with my experience I’ve learned, loved, forgive, forget, believed, trust and get through it.  We cry, yes it’s normal but we must be happy and thankful as well for those small little things we’ve come accross.

p.s. i’ve decided to blog again after reading my previous post and happy posts should come after this 😀