**Looking Back

It was not so long ago when i thought I couldn’t escape life’s adversity.  My father died from stroke in 2012 after spending Christmas and New Years in the hospital.  It was during those times that I needed to decide things that hurt me most.  I went back home in Cebu thinking I could help and leaving my work and this country.  I realized that instead of the help I could extend, i felt that I’m more of a burden coz I am not giving enough money to sustain the hospitalization bills and medicines.  I decided to go back and look for a job even if my heart and my mind was filled with worries.  My father past away without me on the burial coz my job application was pending for pass release. I thought of going back but I know that no one could pay our debts except me.  I felt the guilt inside me but no one in my family blamed me.  I spent sleepless nights filled with worries but none of those nights have my father showed me in my dreams.  I later realized that my father loved me so much that he don’t want me to worry thus I forgive myself.  Debts has been paid and  a feeling of happiness enveloped me after maybe a year of feeling guilty and unworthy.

After a year or so, I decided to build a house not for myself but for the my mother.  It took me more than 2 years to finish because of some unexpected situations, e.g. can’t find a good carpenter and even the budget. I thought I couldn’t finish it coz I was alone and I still have to support my nieces school fees plus other emergency situations like my brother’s fee abroad or my sister’s operation.  Looking back, it was indeed a relief that I never stopped nor give up.  The house was finished although there are some yet to purchase and buy stuffs.  Just this year I decided to buy a second hand car for my family in between my niece’s tuition fees.  It was kind of heavy yet I’m thankful to have paid it.

I know that I couldn’t surpass and carry all those things if God had not laid His mighty hands on me.  Looking back I could have done or decided differently if I’m alone in those fights, but i guess He watched me closely 24/7.  I realized that I haven’t done much for myself these past few years but it’s never too late to give myself a break.  I still am hopeful for God’s blessing in any form and kind.  I could still feel the pain when I write this blog but reading my previous write ups, it helps me release those painful memories.  The more I release it, the less painful it is, this indeed is true.  I feel that whatever I will experience through, it’s just so easy now that I’ve been through some painful journeys.

There’s no secret to it, you just have to accept, chew a bit and release everything but most of all, everything will be lighter if you trust and believe Him.  When you are in an adversity, we always question, sometimes give up and oftentimes run away.  But again if you look back, you’d realized that situations are perfect experience to sharpen you and remind you that He is always there.

My life is not perfect, no one is.  But with my experience I’ve learned, loved, forgive, forget, believed, trust and get through it.  We cry, yes it’s normal but we must be happy and thankful as well for those small little things we’ve come accross.

p.s. i’ve decided to blog again after reading my previous post and happy posts should come after this 😀