On a breezy night I think
I couldn’t even sleep with just one blink
I wonder why
I just wanted to cry
Am I just too selfish?
And just consider my life in tarnish
Or am I too weary?
And failed to consider that it is bloomy
I tried to reflect
And think of the things I neglect
It makes me sad
And to myself I became mad
I know that my decisions are not agreeable
To this, I should be liable
I just wanted to know
How far will I ever go?
There is something that you don’t know
The negativities I have faced it though
I just kept it to myself and hide
But I am weak, the unconstructive events I cannot abide
Sometimes you may see me smiling
But deep inside me is bleeding
Don’t know the exact reason
That is why I am making this tragic decision
Even in writing I cannot conceal
The loneliness I deal
I wish you all well
And hope that you’ll not be affected the problems and difficulties I feel
This was one of the articles I’ve written somewhere 2004, I thought I’ve lost it but was able to find it in my USB. Although I just laughed when I read this again and again but could not help but post it somehow <shy> for anyone might have experienced the same feelings expressed below, hehe, enjoy reading!!!
My dreams were shattered the time I knew that you were not meant for me. I neglected that possibility but it existed. And now I know that I was not meant for you, all my hopes are turned into pieces and I was left broken and devastated. I wish that I would be invisible so as not to see my heart craving for someone who was not even mine. All my life, you were always my dreams and my ambition. We were so near but as if I was looking on an unreachable star. I dreamt of you every hour of everyday, you serve as my inspiration for my aspirations in life. In every highway that I walk, you were the horizon that serves as my path, my road and my guide. Life now has no meaning for me, as if I was walking on an unending and crooked road, with no destination and nowhere to go. I don’t know where to start and how to start because of you. If this is what life has in store for me, then I hope that I did not met and know you at all.
I wish I could turn back time, and patch things the way I want it to be. I wish that I was warned and informed earlier by my heart rather than suffer the times and the feelings felt. Not to saw you and not communicate with you is more than a suffering to me. I don’t know when this suffering going to end and don’t know when it even started, what I could probably be sure of is that there was one day in my life that I suddenly felt good about you and it even grow more and more each day.
I was hoping that you felt the same way, but I never have any hint or idea of what your feelings are. If only I have all the control to end this and never felt it again, I could have done it a long time ago. But I was just someone strong outside but definitely hopeless and weak inside. Is it my fault to experience love, if it is, then I just hope it was not you whom I felt it this way.
When I was young; I wanted to become a teacher. I wanted to teach children how to read, write and the values of discipline; I even have a chalk board and a small notebook when I was 7 years old then and I pretended to be a teacher for my younger brother and our neighbor. Time passed by and my dreams changed; I then wanted to become an Accountant because I feel that I have the heart for numbers; it was during that time that I was chosen as one of the competitors for our Math Olympiad, I only got to an interschool competition but oh well I never had won. Years after; during our chemistry subject, I got perfect on our Chemistry examination without our teacher teaching us the methods and I said to myself perhaps I wanted to be Chemistry major, it might be a small reason but it added confusion to my young mind. A year after that; I wanted to be a Physics major graduate. The reason; I was one of the chosen participant of our Physics Olympiad for the Regional competition. We were in Leyte then and I was so petite, so young and innocent during that time; I don’t even know what I would be bringing and so it is an experienced and again we haven’t won which I also do not aim to because I just want to enjoy every experience that comes along. Fourth year high school came, I don’t know what course I will took up and never had I realized what my dream was but my only aim is to go to college. It was the second or perhaps the third extension for the DOST scholarship submission of requirements; I never intended to submit my papers because I don’t want to bother my parents in getting their Income Tax Return; thanks to my friend who encouraged and accompanied me to our house to convince my mother to get her Income Tax Return. I don’t know how it happened but I know that it was a gift from God that I passed. Yes I have a scholarship but I don’t know what to take up; what I did is just follow most of the students which is to take up BSIT (Bachelor of Science in Information Technology). I don’t have any idea what the course was but one thing’s for sure, it has something to do with computers.
My dreams have been clearer as time passed; I understand now what has been set for me, it might not something that I imagined myself to be but it’s something given right to where my experiences have been going. My experiences taught me that somehow each and every one of us has a path to follow and a road to take. We might not know where we will be going but somehow along the way, the vision and the path will be clearer. Intelligence is a gift that we all have but we must recognize and own it before it will be given unto us. Experiences is the best teacher, we must not regret every experiences no matter how good or bad it is; instead enjoy every bit of it and ask God’s guidance for every action you take.
It was almost 6 when I realized my stomach is craving for food. I went to our canteen stall but found out that they already left. I drink some water to ease the hunger that I have felt. I drank on more just to notice that my stomach’s already full with water. I notice that some of my colleagues were busy preparing to leave the office. There were some who I’ve seen using yahoo messenger, saying hi and hello to their long time friends and some to new friends perhaps. Here I still want food to ease the hunger that I’ve felt; the water may not be a good substitute then. I look at the clock and notice that it is already 5:57. A smile form in my face for at last it’s almost time to go home. Geez, I’ve been in the office for the whole day thinking of what I am going to do. I have even thought of just going home since morning coz I am not use to doing nothing. Gosh, my stomach is really not feeling good this time; then I just need to wait the time for me to go home. I’ve heard two of my colleagues discussing about their current project, the voice is slow until it becomes a little bit louder this time. Because of this hunger that I’ve felt, I am thinking to treat myself just this once. I stop writing coz I need to talk to my colleague regarding an issue she wants assistance. I hardly could trace the issue because I couldn’t even duplicate it in our standard installation. I just realize that it’s already time for me to go home. Hurrah!!! My day is done and I will be treating myself for a great food at dinnertime.
This has been the word that opposes the word contentment
As we all say, the most constant thing in this world is change
Together with this long and winding road of change
Is the uncertainty of the fact of being contented.
As we change, our dreams becomes bigger
As we all grow up, realization of our dreams has been wider and clearer
But never had we decided to be contented of what we have
Never had we decided to stop and think and take and embrace what we have
It’s because, as we stop dreaming we seemed to connect it with the fact that life will also stop
That when we be contented of what we have, then our life will just be like a glass full of water that no one had ever drink
If we are contented then what a boring life would it be
As you step towards the realization of your dream
You should stop, think and listen to what is happening on your surroundings
Never be contented as they all say, but might as well think what are the consequences laid on towards the dream you ever wanted
Who knows the place you are right now might be the best place your life would ever be…
When will anger be healed and replaced with love
When will suffering be stopped and ruled by calmness
When will sadness suppressed by happiness
How could silver be turn to gold?
How can poor become rich?
How can one take in suffering?
What becomes of being injusticed?
What is a person without happiness?
What’s a life in pain?
Then; only time could tell
Coz time is an unending rhythm
And no one will ever knew what will happen when life turns the clock of time